Of Love and Insecurity
by dropworm
Summary: What exactly goes on in mysterious, cold, harsh Jade West's head? And what about relaxed Beck's? What if they just skip their classes today and focus on eachother? [Rated M for very sexual content]


**~Jade~**

This classroom is stuffy and it's a Monday, so I'm allowed to be angry already, right? It may be first period but it's with Sikowitz. Nobody can expect me to be peppy right now. Or ever. Any minute now, Tori's going to walk through... Oh great, here she comes. I don't know why I hate her. I know I shouldn't hate her for no reason, but even now I can see her staring at Beck. It's not fair. She's so bright and happy, and I guess I just worry that one day Beck will notice and realise she's probably better than me. It's not fair.

"Hey Beck! How was your weekend?" Oh great, now she's talking to him. Her voice is so... chipper. Maybe I should start being chipper. That's disgusting. But really, would it kill me to make conversation with my own boyfriend? Tori does it, should I start that?

"Um… hi, Tori" Why is he acting so awkward? Is he in love with her already? Why would he not just say "hi" back? I can feel my eyes narrowing and everyone's probably thinking I'm mad that they're talking to each other but really I'm just worried. Maybe that's why he's acting weird. Is he worried I'll get mad at him? Maybe I don't treat him right.

"What's with the weird look you got on your face, Beck?" She's so caring, I can't stand it. It's probably all fake. Maybe she's in love with Beck. She's always talking to him. Talking to my boyfriend. I know I should trust him but I can't see why he's with me and it makes me so afraid he'll start falling for someone else. I have to say something before they have a nice moment together. Before he notices how much better she'd be than me. But I can't say anything! Then everyone will know I don't trust him not to leave.

Oh, god, I'm about to burst. I can feel something much too harsh coming up my throat like hot air. "Vega! Get away from my boyfriend! He doesn't even like you! Nobody does!" Great, now I'm the bitch. Not her. It's not fair. I'm sorry for being like this, Beck. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

"Jade… that was-" I turn my head in and press my lips to his. I have to let him know I'm not a bitch. People don't want me very often and I can't lose him to someone like Tori, I just can't. What if he starts to hate... Oh, wow, he's kissing back. I think I'm calming down but now my head's fogging up. How does anyone make me feel like this? I can still hear Tori walking away. Good.

"Jade and Beck, what have I told you about kissing on your own time?" Sikowitz is standing at the door with a very purple glittery purse. I don't know if I can deal with this today. "Good morning to everyone else!"

"Sikowitz, do you wanna tell everyone why you've brought a women's purse here?" Once again, my voice was probably a bit too harsh. I don't know why I'm like this. "Women's purse? Wait a minute, I seem to have lost my coconuts." Sikowitz's antics are getting so ridiculous, they have to be staged. Nobody could really be that weird, right?

The door is opening and an older lady with a flowing patterned dress has just walked in. With coconuts. The glittery purse and the coconuts are swapping hands between my drama teacher and the lady. And now she's leaving.

"Thanks, mom!" Yep. Too perfect. Too weird. Definitely staged.

I'm going to be quiet for the rest of this class. I can't give anyone more reasons to think I'm a bitch. I pretend not to care what people think of me but that's just because I don't know how to let anybody in, so I act really cold towards people. I'm actually so scared of pushing people away but I do it so often. Really the only people I have are Beck, Cat and Andre. I have Andre because he's so nice he couldn't hate anyone. I have Cat because I've always had Cat, and she's too spacey to notice when I'm being mean. And I have Beck because... actually I don't know why I have beck. I don't know how he's put up with me for this long. Maybe that's why I'm so jealous. Because I'm so scared of losing him to someone better than me. I have to make him happy. I've been talking with him lately about maybe going further in our relationship than just kissing. I'm nervous about that but I think I really do want to. He makes me really hot and it must be in my instinct. I guess mostly though, I just want him to want me.

Oh wow, the bell's ringing. Did it really take me that long to think about all that? Beck's putting his arm around me. Can he tell I was just thinking about having sex with him? Do I want him to know? Maybe he can tell, because we've split off from the group, and I think he's thinking we're not going out to lunch. He's leading me towards the janitor's closet.

**~Beck~**

Yeah, yeah, It's wrong to sneak around at school and make out in the closet instead of going to lunch. I know that, but with Jade around me all the time it's so hard to avoid doing things that are wrong. I really do love her, you know, and it kinda kills me that she won't see that and can't trust me. It's dark in here, in the Janitor's closet, but really it doesn't smell too bad. A little mood lighting and maybe it'll be cosy. What am I thinking, we're not here for cosy! She's been talking to me about going further and having sex lately, and I want her to know that I'll do whatever she wants me to. Hell, she's gorgeous, why wouldn't I? So we're in the closet.

She's holding my hand and I really don't know how to start this. A lot of girls like me and I tend to be a bit cocky, but really I'm lost when it comes to taking the lead with this stuff. Maybe I should take off her shoes. Would that be weird? I'm just gonna go for it. Then maybe I should take off her jeans since they're so tight and probably constricting. Who am I kidding, I just like seeing her legs.

I'm pulling off her boots and her skinny jeans, now. She's wearing black socks kinda made of that stuff stockings are made of. Why does Jade go to so much effort to wear pretty stuff that people won't even see? Her jeans are off now and my point's illustrated further, because even her underwear's black and lacy and pretty. Well I guess I'm seeing them, so maybe she's wearing them for me. I want her to know that she doesn't have to do stuff to impress me but I don't know how to say it, so I dip my head down and our lips meet and our foreheads touch. I don't really know how to kiss very well but it seems to work out every time so I just go with it. Our mouths are moving together, and I let my tongue move into her mouth and run my hands along her sides. It's like we're gasping for air together, but instead of air we're breathing each other. Something about this girl is so perfect for me. From the outside she seems so harsh and cold but I know her, and really she's so fragile and beautiful, and when she sings it's like time slows down to listen.

Our eyes are closed and our mouths are exploring and now she's tugging at the bottom of my shirt. Is this really happening? I let her take off my shirt and now we're half moving, half falling to the ground. I realise we're now both half naked in the school janitor's closet, and it's kinda scary and kinda funny but also really hot. She's below me and one of her legs is on either side of my body and I'm kissing her and kissing her. There's this warmth between us as my tongue probes her mouth and her hands are moving along my chest and stomach and I want more of her than ever. I can feel her pelvis grinding against me and I let my hands roam over her chest through her shirt. I think we're actually being quite loud. She really turns me on, and the combo of feeling her up and having her grinding against me is starting to get me really hot. What can I say, I'm a hormonal teenage boy.

Just as I'm starting to feel really drunk on Jade West, I hear the bell ringing and lunch is over. I know we should stop but I don't know if I want to, or if we even can.

"Babe, I think that was the bell." Why did I say that? Why can't I keep making out with my girlfriend in the janitor's closet?

"We could... not go to class?" I love this girl. "Detention's not so bad. I don't wanna stop right now."

I laugh with this kind of heavy exhale, and kiss her again.

**~Jade~**

I know it's trashy. We're in a janitor's closet, for god's sake. But something about this, and about Beck, makes me feel so wanted. When he touches me, I feel beautiful.

His mouth's moving on mine to the same rhythm as his hands are on my boobs. I only notice because it feels so good. I want him to know how good he is. I'm bringing one of my hands down his chest. Down his stomach. Down to his jeans. Through the front just below the zipper, I start to rub my hand. I feel kind of embarrassed. Why do I feel like that? It's not like I've never done this before. Maybe it's that the lights are on. Or that I know we're planning something more. I'm rubbing him through his jeans and I can feel him getting harder. It kind of makes me proud that I can make him feel like this. It's almost like a power trip. I feel his hand move down my torso but stop just below my panties. God I hate that word. He's lingering on my lower abdomen. Asking for permission.

"Just touch me already." I say. Harsh. Again. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. This is whole new territory and I'm getting that itch under my skin for him. We break the kiss that had become almost autopilot and our eyes meet as his hand delves down into my underwear. I swear I can see a hint of a smug smile on his face and his hand- Oh. Oh god oh god. How does he make me feel like this? My hips start bucking as his fingers dip into me, motioning inside for me to come closer while his thumb keeps a steady pace over the centre of my universe. I can feel my breathing hitch and keep rubbing my hand over his jeans. I can hardly think straight while he's doing this to me but I know his jeans are gonna have to come off. I let my head fog up more for a minute while he works on me before stopping him to undo his zipper. He pulls his hand out of my panties as I slide his jeans off him, and then my own underwear off me.

He's totally naked and I'm half naked in the janitors closet. And we're meant to be in class right now. How does this even happen? We flip positions so that he's lying on the floor, leaning his back against the wall beside a mop bucket. I've straddled him so that I have better access to him. My hands go back to his now exposed member and once again I'm taken aback at how hard he is for me. To be fair, we have been making out in this closet for over an hour and a half. If he wasn't hard by now I think I'd be worried.

"Jade, are we really gonna do this?" Wait, doesn't he want to? I want to! He's so hard, he must want this! I can feel fear washing over me that he doesn't really want me. My breathing starts to get uneven and terrified but then I see his encouraging grin. Oh. He really does want this.

"Yeah. We are." Was that too forceful? I don't want him to think I'm creepy. Whatever. I lift myself up and position myself over him. Already I'm completely soaked and ready from his hands. Our breathing both speeds up at the same time when I feel his tip touch my entrance. My hands move to his thick hair and my fingers tangle through as he grabs me by the hips and enters me slowly, then all at once.


End file.
